Disappointment

Back when we found out we were going to have a baby, we decided we really needed to be part of a church we loved that was closer to home, so we could be more involved, and could make more friends close by and just feel more like part of a community. We were part of a church that I had attended all through college, but just didn't feel like it was what we needed or where we should be. We planned on searching for the right fit during the late summer and fall of my pregnancy, when church programs would be starting up again, and pastors weren't on vacation. That way, we'd have hopefully found the right church community by the time our baby would be born, and we'd have a church we wanted to baptize him in.

Bedrest blew that plan out of the water. We were unable to search for a new church home, and then once Cole was born, and I was recovering from a c-section with a newborn, we were not attending church due to flu season and adjusting to parenthood. Now Cole is 11 weeks old, and we still don't have a church home. 

I have never liked baptism of older babies/children as much as I like baptism of new babies, and always wanted Cole's (and future children's) baptism done before he was 3 months old. That's in two weeks, and we've only been able to try one church that we ended up not liking. We had hoped this would all be done so we could be baptizing right around now, and had hoped to also time it with a visit from relatives so they could attend. Now we don't get to do either and it sucks. We'll have to baptize him when he's older, and won't be able to share it with as much family, and (my own personal hatred) it will have to be in the summer most likely (I HATE the heat!!!).

I also didn't get to nurse like I had planned on, due to taking allergy medicine that I thought was safe to take, Jeff is hardly home because of his new job, so I am on my own almost all the time, and because we've gotten Cole on a rough schedule for naps and bedtime, I've had to miss out on things to preserve Cole's sleep, or face criticism and annoyance from others when we leave early to put Cole to bed. It seems like all I face as a new mom is criticism from everyone. Call me naive, but I didn't expect to never be told that I am doing anything right! If I had been able to nurse longer, or keep a cleaner house, or had a happier, less fussy baby, would that earn me some "You're doing a great job"s, or would I still only get the negativity all the time? I guess I should be sorry I'm such a disappointment.

I know it's probably not that big of a deal to any one else, but after a whole pregnancy of disappointments and things not going as planned, it kills me to have yet another thing ruined. Honestly, I don't even want to deal with looking for a church anymore, or bother baptizing him, because I'm just going to be thinking about how it's not how we wanted it, and it will just bring up that disappointment all over again. I'm sick of being told that we don't get to make plans because it's all in God's hands, and that it'll be fine and all work out in the end. For once, I just want something to go the way we wanted it to and had planned for. It's far too discouraging when nothing ever goes the way you thought it would.