Caution: Hormonal, Overwhelmed Pregnant Woman Ahead, Spewing Honesty

Disclaimer: This vent is a result of weeks and weeks of frustrations. Do NOT read it if it will bother you that I am not artificially happy and thankful on Thanksgiving Day.

I am sorry that I cannot be a superficially positive, always sees life as wonderful and pleasant, person. It's just not me. Anyone who has ever spent a decent amount of time with me will know that I've always said, "I'm a realist," which means, I see the negative first, because that's generally what hits home first here, in my experience.

Nothing about this pregnancy has gone as expected, starting with getting pregnant in the first place! This was definitely a surprise, and it took me awhile to make the best of it, instead of freaking out over the timing of it all. During that time, I was forced to hide my true feelings because every time I shared my worries related to an unexpected pregnancy, I was immediately told to think of those who cannot have children and would love to be in my place. Okay. Great. I truly feel for those in that position, but that does nothing to diminish the validity of my feelings about facing a situation I was not prepared for. Telling me that repeatedly only made me stuff feelings inside that I probably should have worked through.

Then I had lots of early complications, and wondered if I was yet again miscarrying. Lots of ups and downs on this roller-coaster pregnancy, even before we hit 8 weeks. Finally things settled down, and I started getting truly excited about everything, instead of just pretending to be so that others would stop telling me how grateful I should be. During this time, I made a resolution to myself that I was not going to be "that pregnant woman" who uses pregnancy as an excuse to treat everyone horribly and blame it on hormones, etc. I'm pretty sure it was working for awhile (at least according to my husband), though that is now a distant memory.

Fast forward to 19 weeks along, when my blood pressure started soaring and I landed on bedrest. I again voiced my frustrations and was told how I should feel. I should be glad that something as "simple" as bedrest and medication could control my blood pressure. I should be grateful that I was able to sit at home all day. I should be thrilled that I am still pregnant. Last I checked, bedrest is not a fun prescription. Oh sure, it sounds great in theory. Sit around all day watching tv, lounging in pajamas. In reality, it is painfully dull and is excruciatingly lonely. People you thought were friends make promises they do not keep, forcing you to reevaluate who truly cares, and well, since you have nothing else to do anyway, you end up obsessing about it, which ends up depressing you, but then you are again told to stuff those feelings aside because you should feel glad to know who your real friends are and just be grateful for those that stuck with you.

Now, facing week after week of being told how early I'd deliver my baby, and week after miserable week of feeling sicker and sicker and sicker, I keep getting vague answers from my doctor as to when the end is coming, and it is pushing me over the edge. Several times, I reach out in honesty, saying, "I am struggling. This is depressing. I do not know what to do anymore," and instead of anyone understanding or offering encouragement, which is what I so desperately needed, I yet again am repeatedly told I should be glad for my baby's sake that I have delivered yet, that I should happily accept that I may go 10 days overdue and oh well, because it is what is 'best for the baby,' and I should be downright thrilled that I am still pregnant. "Every day the baby stays in you takes two days off a possible NICU stay" or "Don't you want your baby to come home with you?" are the things I hear most often. I'm not saying how I feel to ask what you suggest I should feel, or to gain permission for my feelings. I'm simply telling you what I feel.

Of course I want a healthy baby. Obviously I do not want to leave my baby in the NICU when I come home. I am not an idiot. However, I also want to feel good for just one minute! If you walked around with your blood pressure through the roof every day, contracting constantly, on the verge of throwing up, with a mind-splitting headache, and your doctor kept telling you he'd do something about it at a certain point and repeatedly pushing it back as soon as you reach that point, I guarantee you would not be all sunshine and rainbows all day. I want to be allowed to feel what I feel without having to put on a mask and hide my emotions under some artificial "this is great" exterior all the time. I do not understand why everyone else gets to decide what I am allowed to feel, when my emotions are my own. Why do you get to control what I can and cannot feel? I don't want anyone to fawn all over my roller-coaster emotions, and be fake about that, but for the love of all that is good and holy, please stop telling me how I should feel!