You Can't Always Get What You Want...

I'm trying to remind myself of this lately. It's so hard when the things that I want are way out of reach yet, and seem to constantly get pushed back. For some lovely reason, Murphy loves to visit here frequently, so any time we seem to finally be moving forward with something, up pops some reason we can't move on.

I'm dying to get out of this house and into one that is not in this neighborhood, and doesn't fill me with dread with every clunk, creak, and groan, wondering how much money some new repair is going to cost, on top of all the remodels and repairs still looming that we knew about when we moved in three years ago. It seems like everyone is moving to better homes lately, and getting nicer things, and here we sit, barely scraping by, stuck in a home I hate for a good 5-10 years longer. Stuck with all the hugely expensive projects, the upgrades we have to make. The basement without any lights so you have to take a flashlight down to do the laundry. The missing floor in the main bathroom. The second bathroom full of mold that we can't take care of (luckily it's in the basement which we can't really use). The falling down garage, ailing furnace and air conditioning, the questionable electrical and the unfinished floors. And still 8 more windows to replace. The list honestly just makes me cry. We will never get it done!

I longing for friendship. I am so lonely, and only have one or two good friends, and thought I was making a few friends in the last year, but apparently was mistaken. How do you make friends as a stay at home mom? The kiddo is on a schedule and is a grouch when he's not on schedule, so I can't just drop everything and go meet up with strangers somewhere for lunch. Plus, I'm not exactly outgoing. I just hate how lonely I've felt, and how friendship is so hard to find.

Cole is 20 months old and I thought I'd have my children 2 years apart. Clearly, that is not going to happen. At this point, I don't even know if 3 years apart is a possibility, and it just kills me!  I cry when I think about the fact that we can't have another kid yet. First, I wanted to lose weight. Now, it's been so long, I don't care if I lose weight (though I am down 11 pounds from 2 weeks ago), I just want another baby. But then I realize that's selfish, because my weight puts both me and future baby at risk for many complications again. And we all know bedrest with a toddler would not go as well as bedrest alone went! Then it was my mystery illness and pain, and now it's recovery from surgery and finances. Of course the finances. Money stinks. I hate that you need it. I hate that there is never enough. We budget, we scrimp, we save and then bam. Thank you Murphy for killing my car. Or the air conditioner. Or giving me many medical bills. It's like we're trying to run on ice. You kind of make some awkward looking progress, and then you slip and slide all over the place.

But then I remember that I have a husband who loves me, an adorable little boy, and a home. Even though things aren't where I thought they'd be, I'm still blessed.