Friday, July 27, 2012
Middle of the night ramblings
I got up and wrote this in the middle of the night, but didn't hit submit. I hope I don't regret posting this now. I am feeling very uneasy. Very uneasy. I am terrified of surgery. Absolutely out of my mind with fear. I do not want to have it done. I don't feel like it's the right decision, but it's also the only way to no longer be in pain every day. Generally, when I make a decision to do something, I have some reassurance that it is the right thing to do, but this time, everything screams, "No!" to me. I don't know what to do though, because I can't continue to have painful attacks all the time and not move forward and beyond this, but I feel crippled by fear about this surgery, and praying, I feel like I am getting no response from God. Either that, or his answer is the resounding no that I seem to be feeling. I can't tell if the fear and worry and unease is God's answer to my prayers, telling me that no, I should not be having surgery, or if it's Satan getting in my head. Either way, it's going to be an incredibly long and stressful week. I haven't slept in two nights because I can't get out of my head enough to settle down and sleep. I need prayer. I need answers. I need to feel at peace.
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I have a facebook friend from a message board(but, she lives on the other side of the state and I've met her) who had her gall bladder out last summer. She has a daughter a little younger than Tillie. I remember her posting a similar question about getting Lottie out of her crib after her surgery. Do you want me to get her e-mail address if you have any questions? Maybe "talking" to someone who went through the same thing recently will help. I'm pretty sure that she said she felt a million times better pretty much immediately after the surgery.
ReplyDeleteWell be praying.
Since you're feeling so uneasy about it how about you reschedule. Give yourself more time to come to terms with the surgery. Praying for you!
ReplyDeleteAmber, I have a few friends who had it done that I can talk to. None of them were really this anxious about it though.
ReplyDeleteBethany, it's kind of "now or never". This is what works for Jeff to be off work, and I've already put off another kid long enough for this. I want it just to be done.
There's just been so many crazy random deaths in minor procedures lately (friends of friends), and my surgeon refuses to answer my questions until he meets with me when I get checked in at the surgical center.
I hate this. I'm usually so confident about things like this, and this dumb surgery has reduced me to a crying mess, because I can't figure out why I'm so scared of it!
That's weird about not answering questions.
ReplyDeleteYeah, I think I'll try again on Monday or Tuesday and hope for a different nurse. She was the nurse for another doctor in the office, because mine was busy.
ReplyDeleteI did get in touch with my pastors to ask for prayer, and just hashed the whole thing out with Jeff and felt a little better too.