What Pregnancy Has Taught Me

• You must always ALWAYS pretend to love every minute of pregnancy, or you will be subject to thousands of platitudes, questions, and attitudes, telling you to just "be happy and grateful" and wondering how you could possibly be upset, annoyed, frustrated, or overwhelmed, because it is just SO miraculous and amazing to be pregnant.
• Everyone, and I mean everyone, has an opinion about how to best raise your child. Even the lady in the check out wants you to know that letting your baby cry is neglectful or that you are personally destroying the planet by choosing to use disposable diapers. 
• The doctor will pretend to care, but actually does not unless/until you are unconscious, dying, or a baby is falling out of you. 
• Baby kicks are both wonderful and annoying. It's cool to feel them the first little bit, and then they get stronger and start bruising your insides. Then it loses it's "cool factor."
• People who have never been pregnant squeal with delight at every little detail and gush over how fabulous it must all be. People who have been pregnant but not recently, repeatedly say, "Just you wait" and look smugly upon your misery. Men and those who had textbook pregnancies are the worst with this. People who are or who have recently been pregnant will become your best friends. 
• People love to share horror stories about delivery with you. And laugh when you say you don't care/aren't worried/etc.
• You are never ever allowed to complain or think a negative thought. It makes you both a bad Christian witness, and a bad mother. Obviously. 
• If you tell people you did not take a childbirth class, they act as if the world has ended, you couldn't possibly know what you're getting yourself into, and they proceed to "educate" you on the labor process, most of which won't apply because every situation is different, or they've changed the way things are done since they have given birth. This is even worse when you tell them you have not and will not write a birth plan. (Oh the horror!)
• If you say you do not mind the thought of a c-section, which has been presented as an option, you are bombarded with people who feel the need to tell you it is major surgery and you don't want it. Well, I also don't want to be pregnant forever, and as much as my doctor pisses me off sometimes, I trust that if I am told to get a c-section, I need one. 
• If you share an idea you have about how you think you might parent your child, you are immediately told you know nothing because you are not a parent yet, and you make too many plans and "just you wait" cause you will have to change it all. 
• Pregnancy is ridiculously exhausting. And expensive. 
• Your emotions can do a complete 180 in about .34 seconds. No joke.
• You can wake up feeling worse than ever before in your life, and think you are going to die and it can't possibly get worse. Then it does. Much to your dismay. 
• Have I mentioned you are never allowed to complain or have a bad day? You are, of course, the world's worst mother if you do. You cannot possibly love your child enough if you don't love being pregnant.
• All of your plans are "ridiculous" solely because the person you are speaking with disagrees with you. You aren't telling people you are headed to the hospital? Well, so and so is/did/will be... You got a flu shot? Babies should be exposed to germs... You don't want visitors 24 hours a day? Well, when I was a new mom...
• Pregnancy can make you feel claustrophobic. 
• To everyone who has never been on bedrest, it sounds like so much fun!
• You absolutely can miss seeing your toes, tying your shoes, and putting on your socks. 
• It's much harder to try to not waddle than it sounds.
• When you think you can't get any bigger, you do. And then it happens again.
• Everyone and their brother thinks the baby should be born on their birthday. 
• If you are due near Christmas, half the people think it would be awesome to have your baby on Christmas or Christmas Eve. You agree with the other half. 
• Your husband deserves an award for putting up with you. 
• You must never, ever, EVER think a negative thought about pregnancy!